Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Maintaining Your Family’s Sense of Community

We all know families who operate on multiple individual schedules, running in and out of the house, catching quick meals in the nearest drive-through. Kids change uniforms in the car, mom or dad maintains a mini-office in the van while waiting for gymnastics to end, and everyone has their own cell phones to keep them in touch with work or friends. When all the activity is over and the car finally pulls into the garage for the evening, everyone retreats to their own rooms, exhausted and irritable, homework still to be done, not to mention any family issues that might need to be addressed. And for single parent families, this merry-go-round becomes that much more complicated.

When our family unit is separated, we face huge obstacles as we attempt to maintain a home in the truest sense of the word. A home is meant to be a place of safety, a retreat from all the outside demands our society places on us today, and with all the emotional upheaval involved with divorce, it becomes an even more daunting task to maintain that haven when one of the parents is absent. Our refuge can turn into a way station, impersonal and incomplete, offering none of the solace that we all yearn for and our children so desperately need.

What we must protect in our homes, especially during this time of stress, is a sense of community, a group of people who can count on one another, sharing joys and concerns, not just as other passengers along for the ride in the SUV. Our homes must be more than a building with a revolving door that happens to have furniture on the other side. This sense of community, even in separated families, can be cobbled together with a bit of intent and a great deal of patience and persistence. And it can be done with the cooperation of both parents, even when one no longer lives in the same home, merely by both being in agreement about this concept of community and observing it in their respective homes with as much consistency as possible.

The first step in maintaining this spirit is to respect and observe your family's routines and rituals, even if they need to be adjusted to reflect the reality of one parent not being physically present every day. Does your family eat at least one meal together each day? Do you continue to observe any religious traditions and rituals that are important to your family? Such routines are powerful ways to create and then preserve your family's "oneness," as well as giving it stability, especially during times of stress and transition that are so common during divorce or other loss of a parent. Your children might not see the value in such routines, but keep in mind that this is important to maintaining the foundation of your family community. Don't let the children wear you down!

Dr. Barbara Fiese with the American Psychological Association agrees that these rituals are especially important in single parent homes and blended families. Divorce or the death of a parent can create upheaval in our homes that often leads to a great deal of instability, much of which we can't control. But by holding true to our rituals and routines even in the face of such chaos, we are maintaining control over a small piece of our family's world, and providing our families with a sense of community, even in adverse circumstances. The lesson won't be lost on them as they become adults and face their own difficulties as they move through life.

--April 2005

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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