Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Lessons Finally Learned

I could feel the anger rise in my chest, the same anger that consistently rippled between my daughter and me as the two of us made our way alone after the divorce. She seemed to rain clutter from the time she woke up each morning until she tumbled into bed at night. Shoes lay scattered from the front door to the bathroom, schoolbooks were tossed on chairs, and the floor of her room was under siege. I worked from sunup until well after sundown every day, and all I asked was a little help in keeping the house tidy.

I pleaded, I yelled, I bribed, I punished. I picked up the slack and did the things she should have been doing, and once every few months, I exploded. She would promise to do better, and for a while, she did. Then the cycle would repeat itself. And this went on for 15 years. I was exhibiting the classic syndrome of a divorced parent: Mix fatigue with guilt and the result is often an ineffective parent.

As parents, especially divorced parents, we are extremely hard on ourselves. We carry the weight of a family torn apart as if it is our sentence for life, a duty to our children who are the innocent victims of it all. We overlook and ignore the manipulations of our kids; after all, we “broke” the family, didn’t we? I assumed, therefore, that I had made no difference in teaching my daughter the responsibilities inherent in a family.

I found out differently last week, with my daughter’s 25th birthday just around the corner. I was relating to a friend the irony of the situation in view of the fact that my daughter now maintains an immaculate home. The manager of her apartment complex asked if she could show my daughter’s unit to prospective tenants because it looked “better than the model.” My mind immediately flashed to the disarray of her room as she was growing up and our tempests over it.

When I asked my daughter what her take is on her neatness today compared to our battles when she was growing up, she said, “But at least you tried to get me to do the right thing.” The lesson then is that our children are always listening, even when it appears that they are on another plane of existence. We can’t give up and we can’t assume they don’t hear us. Even though I should have been more consistent in dealing with her as she grew up, I can take heart now knowing that I was right to try. After all, she told me so.

-- November 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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