Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Shattered Dreams

Consider what messages our teens are bombarded with every day about love, romance, and sexuality. Falling in love is depicted as a kaleidoscope of magical walks in the park, romps on the beach, and encounters in front of the fire on a bearskin rug. Couples in these postcard scenes are wrapped in each other’s arms and in each other’s lives, not a cross word between them, certainly no screaming arguments, hurt feelings, or silences filled with anger. Relationships and marriage are depicted as easy, the walk down the aisle merely the beginning to a life viewed through rose-colored glasses.

Suddenly, or so it appears in many cases to the children, mom and dad are getting a divorce, and the dream is shattered by our reality. The two most important people in a teen’s life have stumbled right out of that picture postcard, often smeared with ugliness that no child should ever see. Couple this reality with the fact that they are at an age when they are struggling with achieving their own independence, yet are still dependent on their parents for most things. They also know that they are much like their parents both biologically and emotionally.

So, where does this leave them at what is a difficult time of life on its best day? It’s not unusual for teenagers to wonder if the fact that their parents can’t make their own relationship work somehow is a harbinger of their own success in relationships and marriage. Are they somehow doomed to failure in the future, too? Teens are given to dramatics anyway, so their parents’ divorce can only heighten such thoughts, often accompanied with all the subsequent acting-out that can go along with such worries.

Parents must be vigilant at this time in the lives of their teens, even though we are struggling with our own emotional issues as a result of the destruction of our marriage. Watch for signs of depression and withdrawal, or its opposite reflection of inappropriate language and behavior, or both. Recognize that these extremes may be the teen’s reaction to the conflicting and confusing emotions he or she is struggling with, and be available when your child is ready to talk. It’s a matter of being aware of this emotional turmoil that is happening just under the surface of your teen’s psyche without forcing the issue before it’s their time to discuss it. As a family, try to keep as much continuity in your daily schedule, regardless of the divorce. All children need the security of knowing that some things will remain the same, even in the face of the devastation that has occurred. Do things together as a family, creating times that conversations can begin when your teen is ready. Be careful of bringing new adults into the picture too quickly at this time. If you must date a new person or have a new relationship right away, do so out of the eyes of the family. Don’t expect your children, especially your teens, to welcome someone new into the inner circle at this point.

Life isn’t a picture postcard, and the media and society as a whole don’t help by framing relationships in perfection. As parents, we must help steer our teens through this uncharted water to realize that even though things aren’t perfect, their future needn’t be determined by our failure as a couple.

-- August 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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