Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

“Cocooning”

Divorce takes the energy and spirit out of the best of us. Our lives are turned upside down, our kids’ lives are altered forever, and our social contacts are never the same. It’s no wonder that many people going through such turmoil make a hasty retreat to the safety of their homes, spinning a cocoon of quiet and insulation from the outside world.

Once work is over for the day, it’s understandable that we want to surround ourselves with some serenity, a bit of “sameness” in a world that holds so much confusion and hurt. People have lots of questions for us, many of them intrusive and most without answers. In their concern for us, extended family members may try to get us involved in social events before we’re ready. If we’re members of a faith community, there are often expectations or even judgments made about our situation. We just don’t want to deal with all of it any more, so we pull the plug on the phone, refuse all attempts to socialize, and deflect all the questions as politely as we can. It’s easier just not to get involved.

It’s understandable that we pull the welcome mat in after us. And the purpose of a cocoon is to do just that: offer protection for the entity within. But there is a danger in spinning a cocoon that holds us in indefinitely, and that danger involves our children. Our needs aren’t the same as those of our kids in readjusting to life as a separated family, and we can’t neglect their needs for too long. Their lives are still in full swing in many ways that have nothing to do with the divorce, and we can’t shortchange them in our own retreat from life.

Children are extremely adept at manipulating life to get what they need, either with us or without us. We’ve all seen children who will settle for negative attention when they aren’t offered any positive feedback. If parents are busy licking their wounds for too long, ignoring their children in the process, the kids will move on one way or the other, perhaps becoming involved with friends or activities that we wouldn’t allow if we were paying better attention. The world is too dangerous today to let this happen.

As in nature, the cocoon is intended to be temporary housing, getting us through the worst part of the storm. But, sooner or later, we need to emerge and get back into life, even if it’s for the benefit of our families. And, who knows…..we may break away from the cocoon stronger than we ever believed possible, ready to fly on our own again, too.

-- September 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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