Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Ties that Bind

Your family has just been shattered, and the pieces are difficult to reassemble into a configuration that has any meaning to you at this point. The kids are upset, mom and dad are depressed or angry (or both), and it's difficult to simply get through the day, much less retain any sense of community in your family.

But it's important, just the same. Your children desperately need to remain connected with their family, those who will surround them with support and comfort during this time of transition and pain. All too often, though, the custodial parent pulls back from this support system, retreating into the hurt, anger, or other natural emotions that accompany divorce. The children's needs are sometimes forgotten in this "cocooning" by the parent, which can result in some extremely negative emotional ripples in the lives of the family member, both in the present and in the future.

It's critical to remember that the parents have divorced, not the relatives, and hopefully many of them will continue to play a role in the life of your family unit. You can be the catalyst in this endeavor, so you will have to push aside any resentment that is likely to spill over from your relationship with your ex-spouse onto his/her relatives. If everyone can focus on the children instead of the divorcing parents, this can be achieved, as difficult as it might sound. Children need to see that blood relations can be maintained for life, regardless of the fact that one or both of the parents have chosen to live apart. Relationships of all kinds change over time, but can continue to move forward while adjusting to those changes.

Grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles can be recruited to encircle your children with love and a sense of belonging. These ties must be protected and nurtured, the connections maintained even in the face of the temptation to cut the former spouse's family out of the picture. Allow your children to move among this circle of support freely, without burdening them with adult guilt and the "game playing" that is often engaged in by the two parents. The definition of family can remain intact even in these difficult circumstances, and it's crucial that your children have access to this community, the ties binding everyone together now more than ever.

-- June 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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