Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

A Balancing Act

Non-custodial parents walk a tightrope stretched between all that happened in the failed relationship and the shared responsibility in raising healthy children. The ability to hurt our children lurks in the slanted perception we have of our former partner and his or her role in the lives of our kids in the newly configured family unit.

In an ideal world, both parents would be equally and actively involved in all aspects of the lives of the children. Both mom and dad would have daily contact with the kids, attend sports events or recitals, and be in attendance at school conferences and meetings. Any acrimony between the adults would be kept away from the children, and the family would be in balance.

Many of us know, though, that the reality is much less than ideal. Too often, parents are still busy punishing each other for all the hurts, real and perceived, that occurred in the marriage. One parent sabotages the involvement of the other by “forgetting” to pass along important information about events and dates. Arguments over who will attend what event take on a zeal that is out of proportion to the matter at hand, and poor behavior in public at the events embarrasses everyone, especially the children who have no control over anything.

One result of this situation is often the retreat of the non-custodial parent. He or she may decide that the pain is too much to bear in the continuous effort to stay involved with the children, perhaps even believing that the children would be better off without the constant tension between mom and dad. It’s difficult to want desperately to be a daily part of our children’s lives, but not be allowed to do so without constant arguments. Outsiders can say what they want but they aren’t the ones subjected to the passive-aggressive (or even aggressive) behavior of a vindictive adult intent on destroying our relationship with our children.

Solutions for this situation aren’t perfect and they aren’t easy, and some situations demand a return to court to get relief. The non-custodial parent can, however, attempt to bypass the other parent as much as possible in staying informed about the children at school, for example. A meeting with the guidance counselor and other important people at school can go a long way to smoothing the way. Once those at school see that both parents have a legal right to be informed about the children and that the non-custodial parent intends to stay involved, there is a better chance that will happen without the “permission” of the other parent.

The same holds true with the child’s sports events, dance recitals, band concerts, and other important activities. The non-custodial parent needs to take the former spouse out of the mix by exercising the initiative to get the information on his or her own. To continue the expectation of that person doing what is right when the past has proven otherwise is in itself a form of retaliation.

Attending these events can be touchy, but it’s crucial to take the emotion out of the situation. As a parent, it is accepted by society that we are there. Sitting separately and not making a show of the situation between the parents will be appreciated by the children as well as by everyone there. No one wants to witness the drama of parents acting like children.

Email or the use of the many other communication tools we have available today can be an effective way for the non-custodial parent to stay in touch, one in which the other parent needn’t be involved in any way, or at least minimally. Children need to interact with both parents as much as possible, especially in the early stages of the separation of the family. The absent parent must take the initiative to find a way that allows this to happen. It might take some trial and error, but the results will be worth it for the children and their relationship with both parents.

Of course, no method is fool-proof, especially if one parent is determined to create chaos in the life of the family. In those situations, the courts will probably have to get involved. But in less extreme situations, which are where most of us fall, a little common sense and creative thinking can help the children stay in touch with mom or dad when they are separated. This is our responsibility as a parent, regardless of the difficulty in walking the tightrope.

-- February 2007

<< previous | next >>

Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

•••