Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Voices of the Children

Those of us who are divorced or going through a divorce are bombarded with information as well as judgment about the paths we have chosen. We know that it isn't the ideal course of action, but none of us live in a fantasy world. As things start to unravel, we might seek counseling or talk to friends and relatives, and then we try to put it all behind us. Life awaits and we have to move forward.

However, how many of us talk to our children? Last month in this column, we discussed this issue and I suggested that it is necessary to keep the lines of communication open for far longer than we might believe. As our children become adults, we must continue the dialogue because the divorce is never truly over for them.

I decided to take my own advice. I met with my 24-year old daughter for lunch recently, and asked her to be my guest columnist this month. Her father and I divorced when she was three years old, so she has had twenty-one years to "get over" it. Here is her advice for divorced parents, in her own words:

- Don't put the child in the middle to act as the messenger.
- Don't try to prove your love with monetary things or try to "out buy" the other parent.
- Don't make the child choose between parents in unnecessary situations.
- Be sensitive around the holidays. The child will have to go to a lot of places. Flexibility definitely helps.
- Try to be civil long enough for BOTH of you to attend the child's events. It means a lot to them that you're both there.

I noticed a couple of things in reading her list. First of all, I have mentioned many of the same things in my columns over the years. I intuitively understood the impact on her, even though I could not possibly view the situation in exactly the same way she saw it. Sometimes we just need to trust our instincts. We know our children better than anyone, even the "experts."

Second, three of her items are stated in the negative: "Don't..." If she is making statements in the negative, that must mean she has experienced negative impact in these ways. Divorced parents very often maintain an adversarial stance that is carried on through their children, even when we try our best not to do so.

Even though my daughter now has a more adult understanding of why her parents divorced, I believe that she still has the perspective that her life would have been better if we had stayed together. We cannot forget that divorce for children is an enormous event in their lives, and it will remain so forever. Our lives may move on and become better, but our children aren't issued new "improved" parents. In all likelihood their lives merely become cluttered with more and more people who still don't have the children's interests at the top of the list.

Does this mean that we shouldn't divorce when we consider the long-time effects it will have on our children? Not necessarily. There are so many adult factors that cause couples to break their marital bonds, many of which a child cannot, and should not, understand. However, we must check in with our children periodically, as I've suggested in the past. We have to talk to them, rather than shy away from the subject. It's a painful topic, and our hearts are hanging out there, both our children's and ours. We don't want to open the wounds all over again, but it is the only way to know how they are being affected and what they are thinking.

-- July 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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