Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Contract

We all know tales of disastrous divorces, complete with disappearing ex-spouses, ignored custody agreements, financial hardship, and children caught in middle. Our own situations may even resemble some of these difficult separations.

However, there are success stories, if such a term can be used in the context of divorce at all. I recently heard of one called “The Contract.” A young couple with two small children began divorce proceedings and met at a local restaurant with a laptop and several hours marked out on their calendars. No attorneys present; just two parents with a sincere desire to protect their children from any adult ugliness or issues.

Both parents would have equal custody, so they worked out holidays and weekdays and weekends. They made a list of the bills that related in any way to the children and made decisions about who would pay which bills. Many divorcing couples wield a very large club with dollar signs attached like nails during and after the separation, and that club can swing wildly at anyone in the way. Unfortunately, the children are often the ones in the arc of that weapon as Mom and Dad punish each other by withholding or otherwise abusing the issue of money. This young couple was determined to hold their children out of harm’s way as they moved through the process of their divorce and discussions about money.

But they didn’t stop there. They extended their discussion and decisions into the future, and dealt with college and weddings. They were far-sighted enough to know that circumstances will probably change for both of them as time passes, perhaps with new spouses down the road. The new players in the scenario will get a copy of the “script” that outlines the terms of the agreement, with no resulting confusion or misunderstandings about the financial and custodial arrangements for their new stepchildren.

Those who know this young couple, including their respective attorneys, are amazed at the lack of animosity evident between them, as well as in “The Contract.” Isn’t that the way all divorces should be handled, though? The children are not divorcing; therefore, they shouldn’t suffer from the split any more than they absolutely must. The only people who can prevent this from happening are the parents, by agreeing in advance to build a positive foundation for their children’s emotional, psychological, and financial future. Their own marriage agreement might not have worked out, but that doesn’t mean the children’s well-being must be lost in the process.

Dr. Robert Emery, professor of psychology and director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, states “The fact is, even if you have failed at your marriage, you can succeed at divorce. While some may feel that all divorces are bad, the fact is there are better divorces and there are worse divorces. Children fare better in a divorce when parents work together cooperatively and limit their children's exposure to conflict.”

And it can happen when divorcing couples have “The Contract.”

-- October 2008

<< previous | next >>

Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

•••