Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth?

Children are masters at soaking up not only information but more importantly a sense of the emotional state in their home. Parents think that they can hide the ugliness of a tattered marriage and its aftermath from their children, but over time the truth wins out. The question is how honest should we be with our children when dealing with such an adult topic?

Mom and Dad go through each day as best as those can who are riding an emotional roller coaster, trying to hold everything together. But the body and the mind can only stay in that seat for so long as it hits the highs and lows of the journey. At what point do we talk frankly with our children about the pain we are experiencing from the separation or divorce?

Initially parents must work out the details of the separation, regardless of whether a divorce comes immediately or at some point in the future. It’s an adult responsibility to keep a sense of continuity and security in the home as much as possible for the sake of the children. The kids didn’t cause the problem so they shouldn’t suffer a total breakdown of the family community as their parents settle their issues either in a counselor’s office or a courtroom.

However, over time, the children will bear witness to two adults who probably handle the effects of divorce very differently. There may also be new stepparents, along with the possibility of stepsisters and brothers. Or they may be a captive audience for an adult mired in misery, certainly a difficult place to be for a child. We can’t hang up our parenting cloak while we work through this period. Children will find outlets for their pain, either with us or without us. It’s our job as parents to provide at least a shaky wing under which they can huddle until the dust settles.

Imagine living with someone who is supposed to take care of you, but that person is obviously in a great deal of pain. You are receiving no information to determine your place in the framework of blame, so as children do, you shoulder inordinate amounts of that burden. The weight itself is enough to bring on numerous complaints over time, both physical and emotional as the child struggles with it at home, at school, and while visiting the non-custodial parent.

A little honesty from the parents can works wonders here. It’s not necessary to share the sordid details of the situation leading to the divorce (the children are usually well-aware of it anyway), but an immeasurable amount of relief can be bestowed on the children merely by explaining that it’s a tough time for Mom and Dad. The parents can share the fact that there will be times of grieving for the lost relationship, times of anger at our former spouse and at life in general. The ideal would be for both parents to remain a team in having frank age-appropriate discussions with the family about what is happening. Life often isn’t ideal, though, so if that’s not possible, it can still be done separately by the parents.

Children can learn a great deal at this time about how adults handle difficult periods, information that can teach them how to prepare to face their own trials as they move into their own future. None of it is unusual. It’s just life, and we have the opportunity to pass along valuable life skills to our kids even in the midst of our own pain.

-- February 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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