Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Parenting Off-Site

Non-custodial parents have an extremely difficult job. They must parent from a distance, whether that distance is across town or across the country. Most parents who are physically separated from their children ache with the loss of the daily contact, with all its small precious details of being a family.

The challenge for these parents is to stay involved against often overwhelming odds. Very often, the children are used as pawns in a divorce. This is played out by the absent parent being blamed for all wrongs in the situation. After all, that person IS absent and can’t defend him or herself from the attack. Tales are carried back and forth by the children, who become weary from dealing with two adults who are behaving like children. Attempts to stay in the loop of school issues or medical concerns or necessary discipline of the children are sabotaged by the “on site” parent. Life becomes a constant struggle. The emotional toll on the separated family under these circumstances is huge, but it is also often fatal in terms of parental ties to the family. The parent “off site” might begin to wonder if the children wouldn’t be better off without this angst insinuated in their lives every day.

An option taken by many non-custodial parents is a tempting one. They divorce themselves from their families as well as from their former spouses. They might believe that the children are better off without the constant push and pull between the parents. These parents go about building new lives for themselves, complete with new families in many cases. The intended result, however, can be quite different when viewed through the prism of the children’s perspective.

Their sense of abandonment can be overwhelming. They want to know why the absent parent went AWOL, and the only source of information is a parent who has his or her own emotional roller-coaster to ride. The information coming from this person will probably not be good. The parent who left will be blamed for everything from the divorce to global warming, today and into the family’s future.

The non-custodial parent might believe that a future relationship can be re-built with the children once they are grown and can better understand what really happened. However, the parent who left might never be given that opportunity as a result of the abandonment and its resulting anger. The toll on the children in terms of their ability to form positive, successful relationships for themselves might be compromised forever, also. This is often exhibited in ways such as the inability to commit to relationships due their fear of being abandoned again, or a chronic problem with self-esteem. Their subconscious might be telling them, “Dad or Mom left me and it’s probably my fault; therefore, I must be a terrible person.”

In some respects, the disappearance of non-custodial parents is also a weapon used against their ex-spouses. “I’ll show THEM!” In actuality, though, it is a killing shot to the hearts of their children, and must not be an option. The absent parents must try and try again to stay involved to the best of their abilities, even in the face of the attempted sabotage of their former partners. It would be nice to believe that divorced couples can co-parent successfully, and bless those that do. However, the reality is often very different, and all we can do is all we can do. But we MUST do it.

-- April 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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