Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

TLC for Single Parents

The ache or pain that recurs, the headache that debilitates, the cough that is persistent and annoying, all of these get quick attention if exhibited by our children. By definition, parenting means being in tune with our children and their well-being, whether it's physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. We sleep lightly, hearing each movement from their rooms, ready to spring into action at the slightest hint that something is amiss. We listen for all those tell-tale signs of trouble ahead, and hope to prevent the normal sicknesses from blossoming into major illnesses as much as preventive measures will allow. We take this aspect of our job as parents very seriously.

But what about us? Who watches out for our well-being? We probably don't have to search our memories for long to recapture the last time that we ignored or pushed aside our own health needs in exchange for that pair of braces for our child's teeth or time spent carpooling to dance practice or basketball games. It may be a matter of limited financial resources or just not enough hours in the day (most likely a combination of both!), and we hope the situation corrects itself with some cold medicine or headache tablets.

Our emotional care is probably ignored to an even larger degree, perhaps because it's such a messy area to tackle, and who has the time or the energy? Parents neglect themselves in many ways, and this is probably at the top of the list. We want our children to be well-adjusted, do well in school, and have many supportive friends in order to weather all the inevitable storms that children face today. And in making sure that our kids have this support system, we ignore our own similar needs. It's the "time and energy" issue again, isn't it? Then throw a little avoidance into the mix, because we just can't muster the courage to face ourselves after a hard day of working and parenting.

There's no denying that we often put our own care on the back burner, and this becomes an even greater issue for divorced parents. Those of us in this category are alone in lots of ways, and have learned to do it all ourselves. We care for the kids, the house, and our work in an endless, exhausting cycle of days, and in the process we lose ourselves in all the confusion. Those physical aches and pains, the emotional turmoil that is sometimes close to the surface while at others is pushed deep within our souls, all of that is largely ignored. And who ultimately loses in this morass of inattention for our own well-being? It's those children that we're so desperately trying to get through life unscathed.

Taking care of ourselves isn't easy, and it does require sacrifice from the whole family. But, everyone will also benefit from the ongoing results. Parents must carve time for reflection and solitude into their days, even if it's five or ten minutes at first, and we must safeguard our physical health as the precious gift that it is, not only for us but also for our family. It only requires a slight shift in perception to value our own health and well-being as much as we do that of our children. We're important to the health of the family, and they deserve it. We deserve it.

-- July 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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