Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Money, Divorce, and Children

The old adage that “money makes the world go ‘round” has a lot of truth to it in the world of paying bills, buying food for the table, and keeping a roof over our families’ heads. Those who scoff at the saying and recite platitudes about money being the root of all evil obviously have all the funds they need. Many of us, though, don’t have those advantages, and have spent hours deciding which bills to pay in order to get through the next month or even the next week. And this is especially true for divorced and separated families.

Too often, money is dragged into the mix when ex-spouses still carry those large foot lockers of baggage from their failed marriage around everywhere they go. Just as arguing over money, or usually the lack of it, can destroy many relationships, it can also be inserted into the divorce as the weapon of choice in punishing the other person. And the danger is magnified when the children are made parties to the situation.

In many cases, monetary support from one parent is determined by the court and the payment is made through the legal system each month. In some situations, the money is transferred directly between the parents. In either scenario, the temptation to trash the parent making the payment raises its ugly head. On the other hand, the non-custodial parent who pays each month might ask the children about how the money is actually being used.  Is the mortgage or car payment rightly considered “support?”  Or should the money be tied more directly to the child’s person, such as shoes, clothes, medicine, etc?

Bottom line, those questions aren’t really about paying for the car or those shoes at the mall. The issue is more emotionally tied to the fact that the family isn’t together anymore and one or both of the parents are angry or hurt about that fact. And such questions put the children in the middle of the battleground, a place they didn’t ask to be and for which they aren’t equipped to fight.

We are putting our children’s mental health in jeopardy when we make comments about not having enough money to pay bills or buy those new athletic shoes because dad or mom doesn’t pay their fair share or because so much money is “wasted” on other things. Money is important in feeding and clothing our children, but its place in our lives needs to be contained within private discussions between the adults or their attorneys, and not given undue power as a weapon in the war against our ex-husband or wife, with our children the unwilling foot soldiers.

-- October 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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