Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Over-Indulged Child of Divorce

One of the greatest pitfalls for divorced parents is the temptation to “make up” for the hurt we’ve caused our children by over-indulging them. After all, they weren’t to blame and aren’t at fault, so we have a lot to compensate for, don’t we?

My daughter was very young when the split happened in our family, so her father and I very readily fell into that pit. As the custodial parent, I did everything for her, not requiring chores or any other responsibility from her at all. Her father did the same, but his indulgences usually involved buying her whatever she wanted, and even things she didn’t know she wanted! Our behavior as a separated family is classic, and doesn’t surprise me in retrospect. But the long-term results haven’t been positive. Our daughter was given everything, and valued none of it as she matured. Her experience has been one of entitlement, which has translated into an inability to feel any need for delayed gratification as she approaches adulthood and total independence from the source of all things up to this point, her parents.

So, what happens to her now, as she soon must provide for herself? As she moves toward her college graduation, we’ve had long lunches each week, talking about “life’s lessons,” conversations that should have been going on all along. She seems to appreciate my guidance, and I cherish this time with her. Luckily, she is a bright, engaging young woman, and I believe she will make the transition in spite of us.

But not all young people can recover from this free fall taken by mom and dad, the fall caused by misplaced guilt. So, they will struggle into adulthood, attempting to find a replacement for mom and dad, when it all could have been prevented by parents acting like parents instead of limitless benefactors.

--March 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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