Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Ethics of Information

“Don’t tell your dad!” Have you ever uttered those, or similar, words? We may not want to admit it, but we probably all have at one time or the other, and our reasons probably felt defensible at the time. A situation comes up that challenges us, and we desperately want to solve it on our own, or we fear judgment in the way we handle it. Our audience is generally made up of our children, all eyes and ears to our often clumsy attempt to maneuver around the obstacles of life. So, we involve them in our deception, all the while thinking that no harm is done.  We know better, of course, but convenience often trumps ethics in the real world.

Divorced parents have an even greater temptation to get their kids involved in a bit of misdirection when anger and hurt are added into the mix. I remember a time when I enrolled my daughter in an activity that my ex-husband didn’t approve of, so I gently suggested to her that we not share that information with dad. She complied but at what cost down the road for all of us, and what right did he have to dictate to me anyway, I said to myself in self-righteous disdain? We have to remember that we are the most influential role models our children will ever have, whether we are divorced or not. They depend on us to show them how to become people of honor, people that others can trust in a multitude of ways as they grow and mature. What message was I actually sending by my behavior in this instance?

And the truth is generally uncovered at some point, anyway. Any pleasure or joy that may have come into play with even a small omission of the facts is then destroyed, and both the child and the parent involved have to face the consequences of that lack of honesty. Even though separated parents aren’t living within the same marital framework any longer, there is still a level of trust and ethical behavior for all of us that should be the norm in parenting.

There is also the problem of creating a crisis of loyalty for our children when we ask them to lie to the other parent. Kids need both parents to be constructively involved in their lives, and this isn’t possible when they are put in the middle of such a situation. They want to make you happy, but they know it’s not right to lie, especially to their other parent. But who are they to argue with an adult? We shouldn’t heap this on their shoulders, especially when they probably feel guilt to some degree anyway about the divorce. That’s what kids do best, and they don’t need us adding to that burden just to make things a little easier in our lives.

Another area that is damaged is future communication within the family. By asking a child to leave the other parent out of the loop, aren’t we shutting down an avenue of information that we should be encouraging? It’s difficult for kids to remember what to say to whom when there are lies and deception thrown into the mix. Their response in the future may be to avoid talking to either one of their parents, something that no parent wants to encourage.

-- May 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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