Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Crisis and Character Building 101

The water flowed out the door and then around our feet as my three-year-old daughter and I returned home one day many years ago. Our faces registered disbelief at what we were seeing: Water covered the entire inside of our house, carpet squishing under our feet as we tiptoed from room to room, papers and valuables left on the floor now soaked and ruined.

We lived alone, she and I, a single parent and her only child. There was no one there to tell us what had happened and rush to fix it for us. I worked three jobs and was the epitome of walking exhaustion most of the time, and I snapped as her tiny hand grasped mine.

“I can’t DEAL with this!” I screamed. “Why is this happening to ME?” I shrieked. “What are we supposed TO DO?” I cried.

My daughter’s green eyes grew huge as she looked up at me and then they filled with tears as she watched the most important grown-up in her life have a total melt-down, the adult version of a temper tantrum.

I looked into those eyes and realized that I was not only frightening her, I was teaching her how to deal with crisis. And I was failing miserably.

I gathered myself and we dealt with it that day, but I never again forgot those eyes looking to me for guidance. Children are sponges and we give them either poison or strength to soak up into their souls. We can say all the words we are taught about parenting, but it’s how we behave that tells the true story about our character, and thus theirs as they grow and mature, too.

How are YOU doing as the water swirls around your feet? We can never forget who is watching.

-- December 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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