Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

21st Century Communications

The newest communications technology has made our lives easier in so many ways (until our hard drive crashes, but that’s another story!), and as separated families we can utilize all these tools to keep in touch in ways that previous generations never had. It’s true that cyberspace can present challenges in keeping our kids safe, but that’s part of parenting in the twenty-first century. There are many ways to put technology to work for our families that will improve the flow of information, resulting in keeping those tenuous ties connected for kids living apart from one parent. These technological tools can also take the emotion out of necessary contact between mom and dad that often can lead to frustration and anger.

Email is a great way for kids to keep the non-custodial parent informed about school, friends, problems, and all the other things important to families. It’s always there, and the receiving party doesn’t have to respond instantly, unlike most telephone calls. Answers can be considered before sending, and often lead to more meaningful conversations than would happen otherwise. Kids are sometimes more willing to share personal information with a parent or ask difficult questions when the discussion isn’t happening face to face. And an email can often turn into an instant message and a real-time conversation if both parties need it.

Email is also beneficial for mom and dad to use to keep from engaging in emotional conversations. The printed word doesn’t carry the same hurt, pain, anger, or frustration that the voice does. This helps to stay on the topic of the kids, rather than recycling those old arguments.

Faxing or scanning can provide children a way of sharing things from school with the absent parent. Digital cameras are great for taking pictures of significant events that can be emailed the same day they’re taken. Those items and their messages are important to kids now, not a week from now when they see mom or dad for their next visit.

Pagers for kids can provide the security of knowing that they can reach a parent any time they have such a need. If kids are trained not to use it unless it is truly important, this can be a great tool for both kids and parents.

One of the most hotly debated issues in parent circles today is cell phones for kids. It’s true that there are numerous ways that children can abuse the privilege of having a cell phone, and many schools have instituted new rules about students with phones in class. Parents must respect these boundaries as phones with cameras and text messaging can be (and are) used to cheat on tests and generally circumvent the main goal of education. However, those same features can be used in appropriate settings to keep a separated family in touch with photos, phone calls, and text messages. The issue must be discussed as a family with rules in place for all users before a decision is made to put phones in the hands of children.

It seems that as the world shrinks with all the communications technology available, things are still the same for many of our children who are cut off from one of their parents. It becomes a balancing act of choosing the devices that fit our family, protecting the kids from predators, setting rules and boundaries, and then enjoying the results of staying in touch as best we can by communicating more often and more efficiently. And then pray the hard drive or the satellites don’t go down!

--April 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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