Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

Does it feel as if you and your children are the only “service project” that you have time or energy for? Communities, school, faith-based organizations, and other groups are always sending out the call for folks to sign up and show up to help others, and bless these groups for doing so. But as a single parent on the treadmill of a job (and maybe that is plural for you as it was for me for many years), children, home, vehicle, and other family obligations, there didn’t seem to be any room for providing service to others. My daughter and I walked quickly past the table set up outside the church doors after Sunday services, the one with the list of volunteers who were needed for one project or other, and I sighed in exhaustion after reading similar calls in the local newspaper. My heart was in the right place but my body just didn’t seem capable of doing more than I was already doing each day.

What was my daughter thinking about all of this, though? What message was I sending her by ignoring others in need, some obviously greater than ours? In all honesty, this concern wasn’t close to the top of my “to do” list at the time, but in retrospect I realize it probably should have been. Our behavior shouts much louder than our words ever can, and I was demonstrating a self-centeredness that, although understandable, was not the way I wanted my child to live. Attending religious services without extending the message outside the doors of the building is role-modeling at its worst.

Over the years I did find one task I was able to do from home that didn’t require my physical presence at all. The local food bank needed a volunteer to write thank you notes to donors, so I picked up the list once a week and accomplished the task as I snatched a minute here and there in my busyness. My daughter was aware of my participation in the community effort to feed those who were without, and made the trips with me to pick up and drop off the materials. She saw the people waiting outside to be helped, folks who had hit a bad patch and looked very much like us. It wasn’t much on my part, but it certainly was better than nothing.

The backlash of my self-absorption is evident today, as I try to involve my grown daughter in service to others without much success. She works a full time job and has other things that occupy her spare time, things that are enjoyable and high-interest to her and her friends. When I bring it up, she smiles politely and puts it off until “someday,” that time in the misty future when she’s older and, I assume, wiser. She has always shown a soft heart for others, especially the elderly and animals, but there has been little translation into action. All I can hope is that my small attempt to influence her in this regard will kick in at some point. Children learn from us, because after all, that’s our job. We just have to be very careful, every minute of every day, about what we’re teaching them by our own walk through life.

-- September 2007

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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