Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

1440 Minutes

My daughter was barely three when her father and I divorced. She was our only child, and a very active one at that, her blond curls swirling around her head as she danced through life. She was in constant motion, and feared nothing. I knew being on my own with her would be hard, but I had no idea how pervasive and long-lasting the changes would be.

I always worked two jobs, and sometimes three, so my time was maxed out as it was. Life became a constant juggling act, one in which I had to make choices I would rather not make. With a toddler, I was faced with unexpected trials, many revolving around her need for constant supervision. Her safety had to come first, regardless of the drain on my energy and time. In order to accomplish seemingly easy tasks like take a shower, I had to wait until she was asleep, and by then I was exhausted, often falling into bed with the hope that I could find a spare minute before she woke in the morning. How could I run to the store for the forgotten bread or milk without packing her up and reversing the entire process we had just finished in order to get home in the first place? What about the very infrequent times when I was ill? I couldn’t take care of myself much less an active child, and I certainly couldn’t isolate myself to prevent spreading my illness to her.

Dealing with children after a divorce or separation is never easy, but when the split happens with a very young child or an infant or with more than one child, the challenges are magnified. You simply have to realize that your children come first in many ways, without fail. It’s true that the situation isn’t an optimum one, but your children didn’t cause it or create it, so they deserve their place at the top of the list. So, how will you use the 1440 minutes that you have in each day?

It is essential to create or call on all available support systems without hesitation or misplaced guilt. Family members, trusted friends, or members of your faith group are all obvious sources of support that can be tapped when needed. If you have a cordial or at least speaking relationship with your child’s other parent, he or she can be called upon to help. Most people are not only willing but anxious to lend a hand, if you would only ask.

In an effort to deal with this issue, it’s also important to release yourself from expectations of perfection. Your home can be a demanding task master, something always needing to be cleaned or repaired. But if a choice has to be made, your house can’t take precedence over your children. There will be a tendency, too, to clean while your child is sleeping, since that might be the only uninterrupted time you have. However, your rest is more important, so use that time to relax and unwind, and take a break from being a parent for a few minutes.

Beware also of well-meaning relatives or other folks who are quick to point out things that need attention in your home. At one point I told everyone in my life that they were forbidden to mention anything in my house that needed repair unless they planned on doing the repair themselves! I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, and the minor leak in the garage wasn’t going to be taken care of any time soon. So be it, no excuses necessary.

Your child might be enrolled in one or more activities, along with birthday party invitations arriving in the mailbox all too frequently. You will be overwhelmed if you attempt to have children who attend every event that passes by. We can get very caught up in the web of what’s “expected” if we’re not careful, but your worth as a parent is not determined by those things. So, take a step back, sit yourself down for a stern talk, and lighten up. Your precious time needs to focus on the kids and yourself, because those 1440 minutes can never be regained. The other things will get done (or not) in due time, and you can rest easy in the knowledge that you gave your children the best you that you could under the circumstances.

-- May 2007

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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