Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Putting Water Back into the Bottle

The parenting mistakes that we make as we move past the divorce proceedings are inevitable. From my own experience I can assure you, though, that the results are usually not too damaging. The waters are murky and hidden obstacles often reach out and grab us without warning, but our progress is still in a forward direction. We usually recognize when we’ve taken a wrong turn and then can set about untangling the knots that we inadvertently created in our attempt to do the right thing for our children. After all, this is uncharted territory for the whole family.

Sometimes, though, it’s almost like putting water back into a bottle. Once the habits and routines are established, it’s very difficult to undo them, so the tendency is to continue an unhealthy or inconvenient pattern just because it’s easier. Confrontation and change are difficult, as the whole divorce experience illustrates, so we tend to avoid it at all costs.

After my divorce, I moved into a house with my daughter and we began our new lives alone. My ex-husband and I had joint custody, but her primary residence was with me. I devoted all of my time to working and raising her, so I felt that there was no time for, nor did I want, another relationship in my life. To his credit, my ex wanted to be an active participant in our daughter’s life, and thus the ground was prepared for an untenable situation for me as the years went by. He would stop by to visit with her for a few minutes on his way home from work, or take her for a quick burger. If she needed something for school, he was there in a flash, walking through my front door at any time of day or night.

Many custodial parents dream of a more active participant in their children’s lives, and stories of the disappearing ex-spouse abound. So, what’s the problem here? In short, I lost control of my home, my personal space, even though it was done with good motives at first. I didn’t want to deny my daughter this access to her father. There was little reason to bar the door when he showed up, since there was no one else there taking over his former spot as man of the house. I wasn’t looking into the future to the time when that situation might be the reality, a time when it would be very difficult to put the lock on the door. Our daughter was used to seeing her dad often and they both enjoyed it immensely. The keeper of the bottle thus became the ogre, and it was a role I didn’t relish when it came time to start scraping the water up off the floor.

We do the best we can, and usually it’s good enough. My mistake was one of being too patient and accommodating, and it was done with good motives. My daughter benefited from the situation, but it was at a high premium for me as an independent person. We can learn from one another, though. Take a bit more care than I did before removing the cork and letting the water out before setting a pattern that can send ripples into the future.

-- November 2006

<< previous | next >>

Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

•••