Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

All We Can Do Is All We Can Do

The role of the non-custodial parent is a difficult one, and it’s filled with trapdoors waiting to snap shut on those unsuspecting parents who truly try to do the right things for their kids. Horror stories of the “deadbeat” dads or moms are repeated endlessly, with many people believing that all non-custodial parents fit into that stereotypical box.

The reality is that most parents, whether they live in the home with the children or not, want to be involved in a positive way in their kids’ lives. The difficulties that arise, though, often make it a challenge, and some of those problems are self-imposed.

It’s crucial to remember that we can only control our own behavior, not that of our former spouse. In an ideal world, both parents would act rationally and in the best interests of the children, but that sometimes just isn’t going to happen. It may be tempting to drag an ex-spouse through the mud while pumping the kids for information when they’re with us, but it’s important to focus on strengthening the fragile relationships that we have with our children even under the best of circumstances.

Building strong ties with our children, even in difficult times, isn’t complicated, once we stop trying to force a situation to be something it isn’t:

• Share stories about your childhood with your kids.
• Keep your promises.
• Make your time with them exclusively theirs, as much as possible. This means you have to turn the cell phone off once in awhile.
• Involve yourself in your child’s school. A first step is to meet your child’s teachers. Keep them informed of any changes of address or other circumstances, and let them know that you want to be keep abreast of what’s going on at school.
• Listen to your child. A response (especially a correction or judgment) isn’t always necessary. All people, even children, just want to be heard.
• Watch television together, and talk about the good lessons and bad examples you see.
• Give hugs.
• Discipline when needed, and do it with love.

Separated families can nurture relationships among parent and child, even when the adults aren’t on good terms. It takes persistence and a commitment to focus on the children rather than playing out a personal agenda of revenge or anger. Many non-custodial parents give up when their ex-spouse makes things difficult, almost as if to say “I was right, wasn’t I? See how difficult she (he) is?” Our children didn’t ask for the family to be torn apart, and it’s up to at least one of the adults to do what’s best for the kids.

--January 2006

<< previous | next >>

Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

•••