Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Parent on Duty: 24/7

The call couldn’t have come at a worse time. I was exhausted and wanted only to kick off my shoes and spend my evening in the quiet with a book. My students had been particularly difficult that day, and my second job after school had kept me on my feet for three more hours. But when I got the call from the father of one of my daughter’s friends, I was quickly reminded that there is very little “I” in my life as a single parent. It seems she had attended a sleepover that had uninvited male guests, and the situation needed my attention.

Parenting alone is a tough job, and being the sole disciplinarian is perhaps the most difficult part of that job. The single parent isn’t allowed time to be tired, or ill, or distracted. The stakes are simply too high, because our children’s lives hang in the balance. We may be tempted to ignore a warning sign or a call such as this when our kids are struggling to make sense of life. But the world today is a much more frightening place for our children, and the dangers that lurk have more far-reaching consequences for their lives. It would be easier to turn off the phone, “forget” the conference with the teacher, and let our children do whatever they wanted, wouldn’t it?

And believe me; sometimes we all do exactly that. We’re human, with limits to our physical and emotional endurance. But for the most part, we have to resist the temptation to “parent by default.” We have to learn to take a deep breath, relax and center ourselves very quickly, and then deal with the messes our kids make. They are, after all, kids who are facing a chaotic world that they didn’t create, one in which their parents have chosen to separate, splintering the family into dozens of pieces. For those lucky enough to have a relatively good relationship with our former partner, the task is much easier. However, the reality is that most of us are on our own. So, we must call on our family and other support systems to lend a hand when necessary, cultivate open lines of communication with our children that can be used in times of need, and do the best we can. But nothing but our best is required.

So, I struggled out of the comfort of that big easy chair to deal with my daughter’s lack of judgment. She deserved my undivided attention to catch her before she fell too far. The fact that I was alone to face it became less important than her need for a parent to show her the way. And I was that parent.

-- March 2007

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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