Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Wicked Stepparent?

The statement is often made that divorced parents are still “married” as long as they have children. We must maintain contact as best we can, even under adverse circumstances, whether we want to do so or not. That’s what is best for our children, so most of us try to keep those lines of communication open, sometimes with gritted teeth and elevated blood pressure, but we still do the best we can.

Throw into the mix a new spouse for the “ex” and the situation can take on an entirely new look. The family becomes larger, and if we’re lucky, this is a positive thing, with more stability and normalcy for our children no matter where they happen to spend the night. The situation takes time for adjustment, of course, not only for the children involved, but also for the adults. It takes flexibility and understanding for blended families to do just that, blend into a workable, healthy unit for all family members.

But, as many of us have found, the new stepparent for our children doesn’t always buy into all of this business, even when they knew the situation before the ink was dry on their marriage certificate. People proceed when they shouldn’t in many areas of life, and taking on someone else’s children is no exception. Some children are essentially sent into the lion’s den each time they stay with their other parent and this person who really doesn’t want them there. So, what’s a mother (or father) to do when this is the case?

First and foremost is to determine as best we can if our children are in any danger. If there is any indication of physical abuse of any kind, it’s our responsibility as a parent to get involved, either through our former spouse or through the courts. If the situation is less severe than that, we still need to attempt to communicate our concerns with the child’s other parent, and document these conversations. This serves several purposes. They will know that we realize that there is a problem, which may in itself cause him or her to control the situation. It also lays a foundation for later action, if it should become necessary, and it shows our children that we won’t tolerate an adult’s misbehavior toward them.

We must be cautious, though, that we aren’t using small, unimportant situations as fodder for an excuse to cut our former spouse to pieces at the expense of our children. People parent differently, and that isn’t an automatic reason to overreact. Kids are very resilient, and can handle two styles of running a house. If we are really exerting our control merely to punish our ex for the divorce, we are only making the already tenuous situation worse. The whole thing could blow up in our face as our children mature and see what really happened. That burden would truly be too heavy to carry.

The ideal situation, of course, is to forge a relationship with the stepparent, as hard as that may be initially. This may not be realistic in all cases, but if it is a possibility, the rewards for everyone are great. As role models for our children, this would be sending an extremely strong message of conciliation and respect by the child’s parents and stepparents. The family unit is strengthened and the possibility of many more positive experiences for our children is expanded.

Divorce is a path strewn with landmines, especially as we try to parent our children when they are away from us. Rather than merely react blindly to situations, though, and thus fall into stereotypical roles of parent and stepparent, take some time to reflect on what is best for the children. Both parents usually want that for their kids, so it becomes a matter of forming a team with the adults who are willing to maneuver their way around all those minefields, clearing the path for thier families.

--February 2006

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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