Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Dealing With Our Own Emotional Turmoil

Single parent families face challenges each day that test even the strongest parents. We have to deal with our own emotional turmoil concerning the divorce even as we try to maintain some degree of stability for our children. Throw into this mix the natural tendency of kids to test boundaries and we have a recipe for new disasters.

Many of us have faced the manipulation techniques of our children as they learn that the separation of the family might be a new tool for them to get all those things that they've been wanting for a long time, regardless of the divorce. The media trains our young people to want every new gadget that hits the market, along with fads in clothing and even flashy cars for teens. They discover that they might have a weapon in their arsenal that can be triggered with one (or both) of two forces: Guilt or lack of cooperation between separated parents.

Most divorced parents harbor a great deal of guilt about tearing their family apart. Children learn fairly quickly that these layers of guilt can be stripped away and used as circumstances present themselves. If a new computer game or other glitzy piece of technology makes its way into the stores, for example, our kids become adept at playing the guilt card without actually saying the words. Their body language and their overall demeanor can convey volumes in an attempt to play on the guilt we already feel about putting them through the trauma of divorce. On the other hand, some children become very vocal about what has been "done" to them, with demands to be met in order to maintain their psychological well-being.

Our children can also easily manipulate the broken lines of communication that often exist in separated families. Dad doesn't know that Mom has already said "NO!" and the fact that each lives in a different location can be utilized by a young person who wants something. If Mom and Dad don't have regular conversations (or any at all) about their children, chaos can reign, with children becoming master manipulators over time.

All of this is normal human behavior, but that doesn't make it easy to live with or easy to squelch. Parents can help each other by at least attempting to have conversations about their children, just so both know what is happening. If that isn't possible, it becomes a matter of reminding ourselves, and our children, that life is difficult, and we can't always have what we want. The divorce certainly wasn't in the cards initially for Mom and Dad, but things happen that we can't always control. "Things" won't fix what's happened to the family, and attempts at manipulation of the situation to get them will only tear the family further apart.

--October 2005

<< previous | next >>

Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

•••