Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Child Support Blues

The issue of child support always strikes a nerve. The custodial parent depends on it, while the non-custodial parent often resents it. Money has that effect on people, even when the money in this case is designated for the children and their well-being.

When my marriage dissolved, the courts allowed the child support payment to be transferred directly between my ex-husband and me. I felt this was less complicated than involving a government agency, and in that respect I still believe that to be true.

However, I did not anticipate a side effect of this arrangement. It kept me in a dependent relationship with my ex for fifteen years, He paid every month, but only after I asked for it. My resentment grew as the years passed, and this was difficult if not impossible to hide from our child. It became obvious to me that I should have turned that monthly transfer of funds over to the appropriate state agency. His control mechanism over me would have then been gone.

Child support is also often viewed differently by the divorced couple, depending on which side of the checkbook each stands on. Should it be used for items and needs that are exclusive to the child, such as their clothing, shoes, dental and medical needs, etc? Or is it to be used for those things but also to keep the most basic needs in place, such as the rent or mortgage and food? As the custodial parent, I felt that a new pair of designer shoes or dance lessons for our daughter was secondary to making sure the electricity stayed on. However, the non-custodial parent often hears that his or her child was denied those shoes or lessons and asks, “What happened to the child support I sent?” It’s all a matter of perspective and the issue of child support can become a hammer that divorcing couples use to punish one another.

Another lesson I learned along the way was not to overextend my finances on the basis of child support payments. In other words, I had to ask myself if I would be able to continue paying for my daughter’s dance lessons if the child support payment wasn’t forthcoming at some point. Perhaps the dance lessons could wait a year until I got my next pay increase. This lessened the chance that I would have to delete activities or things she came to enjoy, and it would be one less opportunity for me to bash my ex-husband.

I realize that this isn’t an option for everyone. Many families are barely making ends meet even with the child support money. But I found it a good financial practice for my daughter and I, and she learned the meaning of “deferred gratification.”

We have to remember that the divorce is about us, not the children and try as best we can to refrain from letting money issues become emotional issues, with the children stuck in the middle.

-- March 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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