Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

The Ultimate Reality Show

The fracturing of a family is high drama in itself, a reality show in which no one wants a starring role. But life has a wicked way of waylaying the best of us, destroying all our good intentions and hopes for the future that were close to our hearts when we took our vows. The fact that our children have supporting roles in the drama of our divorce raises the stakes for everyone, though.

We must resist the temptation to get lost in our roles, maybe even enjoying the limelight a bit, broken heart and all. Friends, relatives, and even strangers will be eager to hear the script of what went wrong in the relationship. We can fall into character without a beat, confiding in those who appear to have our best interests at heart. There is a feeling of relief in unburdening ourselves when a sympathetic face is on the other side of the table encouraging us to “just let it all out.” We never dream that our words might be passed along to others, and we certainly don’t expect our children to hear the story retold as it makes the neighborhood circuit.

  But it is quite possible they will. Most people can’t resist whispering the tale from ear to ear, almost as if they’ve made a conquest because someone confided in them. In most cases it isn’t malicious, it’s merely immature, but we need to be careful with our information.

Shortly after my divorce, I began to attend classes to join a faith group. The facilitator made it clear that it would be critical for all participants to feel free to speak from the heart, without worrying that our stories might being carried outside the group. Because of this “code of silence” many of us did speak freely, often in great detail. Imagine my shock several months later to hear the story of my divorce repeated to me by a parishioner who had heard it from another group member. All I could do was hold my breath from that point on, as my daughter attended the parish school with the children of these people. She was very young and would probably be unable to understand much of what she might hear, but the fact remained that her family was being discussed in public.

The need to unburden ourselves is real and often necessary to sort out what went wrong and how to avoid the same script in the future. Marriage counselors and therapists are trained to be that audience, people who can be trusted with our information as well as our hearts. The drama of our lives is safe in their hands, while those around us on a daily basis sometimes can’t resist adding a bit of spark to the story. So it’s best to resist the urge to vent to seemingly well-meaning folks who are untrained to keep our secrets.

-- January 2007

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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