Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Your Divorce and Your Child’s School

The issue of how much information to divulge about the divorce to your child’s teachers and others at school is often not clear-cut. As divorced parents, we first have to climb over the walls we tend to build around our family and ourselves. There is sometimes a natural hesitation to share personal information with those outside the family. However, it is generally enough to let the teacher know that the divorce has taken place, if only to alert them to any unusual behavior on the part of the child. It isn’t necessary to go into detail about the causes of the split in the family, no matter how tempting and cathartic that might be.

My daughter attended a very small private school that was part of our church, so the connections were very tight. Everyone knew everyone else for the most part, so there weren’t many secrets. On the other hand, I taught in a very large public school and had the children of many divorced parents in my classes. Very often, I didn’t get any information about the personal lives of my students, and the sheer numbers of young people who went through my classroom each day prevented me from following up on issues that I thought might exist. My intentions were good but there are only so many minutes in the day.

Therefore, I would have welcomed knowing that a particular student’s family was struggling with divorce. It might have explained aberrant behavior that I had begun to see from the young person, and I would have handled the student and the behavior differently. I might have offered a more sympathetic shoulder if the student needed one or referred the child to a school counselor, and I would have made sure to make that phone call at night to alert the family that things were getting worse or perhaps better.

In a smaller setting such as the school my daughter attended there exists an opportunity for others to abuse that “community” aspect. Everyone probably already knows about the divorce, so it’s much like family members who want to hear all the details in order to get closer to the action. In my case, my ex-husband and I attended school events together, no matter how painful that was sometimes, so the gossip was kept to a minimum, at least in our presence. Many new folks who met us for the first time at a basketball game or other event never knew that we were divorced. I was sometimes tempted to lean over and say “We’re not married any more,” but that would only have served a purpose for me personally, not for our child.

We must each decide how much to share with our child’s school based on what is best for the child and not on our need to appear as the victim in the drama. Will the information help the teacher understand or assist our child during this time of crisis and adjustment? It’s a matter of keeping those who need to know informed without opening the door for a rehashing of the drama with our children on center stage.

-- January 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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