Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Money Matters

Alimony and child support are hot button issues, with varying views on both. Ex-partners who supported one another, both financially and emotionally, have a difficult task when faced with splitting the pot filled with material objects as well as pain and memories. What happens, though, after the settlement papers are signed and things change down the road? Situations aren’t often stagnant through time for long, so where does that leave the family that depends on money from an ex-partner? It might be, also, that increased financial needs become evident for the children post-settlement, such as a medical condition or the necessity for a special educational setting.

The most realistic approach to life after the dust settles is to remember that changes in finances and financial need are inevitable. They will happen to both parents at some point, or several points, along the way. Jobs change or are lost with corresponding changes in income, re-marriages take place, or perhaps illness intervenes and suddenly money takes precedence over everything else.

Emotions run high over money, even on a good day. However, throw in a life-altering event for divorced couples and the recipe for disaster raises its ugly head. As parents, we must take the emotion somewhere else instead of letting it explode in the living room in front of the kids. They don’t need to see the contorted faces or hear the accusations that are often evident when money (or the lack of it) merges with the lingering need to punish one another.

The human brain continues to develop until about age 25. Therefore, young people often make erroneous connections or assumptions on data received prior to that age. Such as the one that tells them that discussions about finances are to be avoided at all costs because those talks only lead to pain and loss. After all, isn’t that what these young people sometimes experience at home? Those mistaken assumptions can thus become patterns for a lifetime of trouble as they become adults with checkbooks and relationships of their own.

Parents must take the discussions out of the home and to a neutral setting: Their attorneys’ offices, a counselor, a mediator. Anywhere but in front of the children. We can teach young people that circumstances change and the supply of money is sometimes affected by those changes, but the situations can be handled without throwing kindling on the already burning fire of daily challenges.
We can do this with intention by explaining it to them on a regular basis. Then we must follow through by role modeling our own lessons as we face the hard times that are inherent in life.

-- September 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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