Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Adult Children of Divorce

Much has been written about children of divorce, with most of the articles and books focusing on the minor children who still live at home with one of their parents. But adult children of divorce aren’t immune to the continued effects of a family ruptured by the split of the two most important people in their lives. The years go by and we hope that the pain wears down to a dull ache for our kids, as it does for most of us.

However, that isn’t always the case. Many adult children carry the demon of guilt for years, wondering how to build their own successful relationships when they couldn’t even help their parents love each other enough to keep their family together. All they experienced during the tumultuous years of their parents’ marriage also leads to problems with communication in their own personal relationships, or hesitancy in getting involved in serious partnerships at all. Conflict to these young people translates to the end of a relationship instead of being viewed as a normal part of living with another person. They tend to walk away instead of staying and working things out. After all, this is what they saw their parents do, isn’t it?

We can never forget that our children’s perspective of the divorce was quite different. They watched from the sidelines as their family was destroyed, or even worse, they were dragged into the ugliness by two adults who couldn’t resist the temptation of garnering as much support for their “side” as possible. But in essence, they were powerless in the struggle, and much of that powerlessness may still remain for them in their own lives as adults. Thus, nothing is resolved for them. The effects of the divorce spread ripples into their lives that are felt for years, if not forever.

It’s important to check in with our adult children occasionally to assess any need they might have to talk about the divorce, no matter how much time has passed since the split. Their changing maturity levels dictate that things have changed for them, things that they are now attempting to deal with in their own relationships while in the framework of a child of divorce. They might feel it would upset us to open old wounds by broaching the subject, so they say nothing. As their parents, however, we should open that door periodically to allow them access to what happened from their new perspective as adults. The lessons we learned can be invaluable to them, and perhaps guide them away from the same mistakes we made.

-- June 2008

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Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

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