Series on Parenting

by Deborah Hansen

Overstepping

My stepson came to visit for the first time when he was about 12. He was polite and respectful to both his father and to me. However, it didn’t take long for me to figure out that I had little input or control over this child. Throw in the fact that his father had a very different parenting style than I do, and I could see that I had to step back and be the stepparent in order to divert disaster for all of us.

My daughter knew the rules and ropes in our house. After all, she had grown up in it. And she knew how far she could push the limits before mom would snap. (We can’t forget that they are kids!) When she overstepped the boundaries, I quickly chalked the limits back in for her, complete with discipline if necessary.

But, this boy who had inherited me through no desire of his own was a different story. There were no rules about bedtime or trash left lying throughout the house. He fell asleep on the couch at night as he watched cartoons far into the night. We had to tiptoe around him as we got dressed for work. He was allowed to play video games for hours on end during the day, becoming a fixture in the chair I usually sat in to watch television. The television I could no longer watch.

I tried suggesting to him that the trash on the floor was a safety issue, especially for his father who is disabled, mobility difficult even on a good day. He attempted to comply, but with no lasting results. I tried to involve him in some of the outdoor activities so important to my daughter. He wasn’t interested. I asked that he get in bed before he fell asleep in front of the television. He’d smile and indicate he would. The next morning I turned off the flickering television as he lay sprawled on the couch. I was being tried, to say the least.

Today he is nearing 19, and we have learned a lot. His father had to be the voice of reason and discipline for his son, the only voice that has the right to do so. Even then, though, I had to accept that my vision of how a house should run, with all the inhabitants warm and cozy in their “correct” places was not going to be shared by all. My husband didn’t see a problem with hours of video games (although I did get my chair back). Flexibility and acceptance had to become my mantra if we wanted peace.

Children are the unwilling victims of divorce. They didn’t choose what happened, and any attempt by an outsider to tighten the reins will be met with bucking and contempt, even couched in a smile. I hate to think what would have happened if I had demanded compliance from a young boy who knew nothing about me. We are friends today, with mutual respect and friendship, and I’m glad that he came into my life.

-- January 2009

<< previous

Deborah Hansen is a veteran of divorced parenting, and a former middle school teacher. She is also a certified county court mediator, and a regular columnist for several parenting publications. She may be reached for comments and suggested topics at [email protected].

•••